Raised to Lose Seeking the Tortured Love of Childhood

She was raised by a father who never was satisfied with anything she did or was. He claimed to be aiming for her to succeed by pointing his verbal arrows at her, but the real intention was for her to fail.

She grew up and her love affairs were many, surprising to a woman raised to feel ugly and stupid. Few were truly love. Most were reflections of her childhood relationship with her father, but the last one topped the cake. It threatened to ruin her forever.  

It seems impossible to ourselves that we are driven to go through the same tortured experience of an unloving childhood? Why would we do such a thing? The first step in change is realizing we are doing it, but how do we know such a thing?

Once grown, she played hateful parent or hated child to her lovers. She met a man through Facebook who claimed instant love. He loved her photograph. Said her open smiling face became the center of his life. It gave him hope. She was also moved by his photo, reclining on a bench arms open as if to embrace.  

They spoke for an hour or more every day, had great fun talking. But more than anything, he wanted to hear about her. He kept himself hidden. Said he only had one friend, his dog, with pictures the adorable hound in embrace. Later, he said that she was his only friend, which touched her heart, and kept her from noticing that his hand was in her pocket. He said he loved her, even sent her a video of him singing “I love you,” with the dog’s lease outstretched, presumably his only other friend lazing just out of frame. Her heart expanded warm and full towards him.

They spoke of marriage. He said he was an architect whose plan was in a contest not yet declared. After he won it, he said he would marry her after the construction was completed. She asked to see him before he departed. He welcomed her. Spoke of shopping for food together, and how great of cook he was, but argued a bit on sharing a bathroom, as he wanted while she wanted her own. She felt they were so very close. She already had her ticket and was going to fly the next day when he claimed he was required to go to Cyprus so-as not to lose the job. Most likely he did not live at the stated address.  His location remains unknown.

His falsehoods continued to pull her in. He said that he was the kind of architect who paid for materials and labor in advance so that the corporation could not undercut materials causing the structure to be unsound and risking that it would fall apart. He said that he had invested his lifetime of savings, over one million dollars, in materials but needed help to pay for labor. Early on, he had once inquired about her savings, which she never would have entertained a response, and would have fled, if not blinded by love. He knew she had some money for emergencies.

When you fall into a lying world, you try harder and harder to believe. It is too frightening to think otherwise. The love hook was in and clouded her mind.

He asked her for $200,000.00. He said he would give her ownership of the gold left to him by his father and given to his deceased wife. Sent a photo of him, sitting in front of a table covered by a large number of gold bars. He said they were worth about $900,000.00. That is more than her initial loan sent to him.  Sent her a form to sign from Credit Suisse which changed ownership to her from his deceased wife. Later, a friend told her it was not a genuine Credit Suisse form, but a forgery sent in .jpg format instead of .pdf.

She went to her bank which refused to send the money, calling it a scam. They even knew of the gold bars as a persuasion tactic. He did not think it up.  But he insisted they were just against him without reason. She moved her funds to another bank. They also refused to send money to Cyprus for the same reason: fraud. Her guy, who now called her “wife,” gave her the address of people in US states to wire the money, keeping it below a noticeable amount. How did he know such things and how would the money get to him in Cyprus? She closed the evaluative section of her mind.  

The scam scenario hit its final note when he announced he had been robbed in a taxi on the way to pick up his equipment. His cab was stopped, the driver shot in the back, he beaten to the point of hospitalization. He sent photos of him in a hospital bed. Now a new emergency. The thieves took his briefcase and passport. Again, all money gone.   

He asked her to sell her country log home to pay custom’s fees on the machinery.  Customs again, like the one on the Canadian border holding onto the box of gold. Her country home was the last thing she had left, the last safeguard against complete poverty.

She wept—the only thing she could ever count on possessing with parents who were liars and disloyal were tears. He asked whether she loved her house more than she loved him. Repeated how he would immediately pay everything back after the equipment was delivered. The new house will be beautiful . . . on and on. She became extremely depressed. The bottom was falling out of her world in return for a (false) promise.

How could he ask her this? No. Can’t sell. Will sell … Won’t. She had to say no.

He said he couldn’t live with her lying. She was the liar, not he. He said he would lose the job, the thing he has worked for all his life. He was exhausted by her indecision. Let her house be her lover now. She was the selfish one, because it was about his desires and not hers. Not theirs.

He was gone with her money. Is he an architect? Is there a Cyprus job? Did he mean his vow to marry? Her parents were great liars. This man puts their skill to shame.

Why did she fall for this predator? Why did she not read the signs that she had recognized? She felt a combination of pain and love, but the pain growing ever deeper.

She did not listen to her inner voice, yelling at her to stop giving, or weeping in pain when she did not. She was reliving the torture of childhood with unloving parents. Giving everything away was like being home again.

How many of you are like this woman? Come to an ongoing workshop on You Choose to Lose. (212) 496-6003.

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Attacking Decency

It is with increasing horror that I read or listen to the news. All things that share in my love of life, all that the forces of government are supposed to be supporting, making safer, purer, are being vanquished, sold, demolished by those who make the rules. It is like a nightmare from which I do not wake.

And what do we the lowly citizens do about it? Americans mostly wring their hands in misery and hopelessness. Either that or deny the mounting disaster, say it’s not happening to me, refuse to see the loss which is directly set before them, certainly not in some distant place.

A major recent change from a passive to active comes from high school students, the original ones mowed down at school, and now in increasing numbers, set against people having military guns used in mass shooting. They are going to the elected people, to DC Congress. They are warning those who turn away from them as juvenile, that soon all of them will vote.

Another group that has come together in shared alarm is the Indians. They first met to pray for and stand in front of digging equipment, that wants to put Tar Sands oil pipes beneath the Missouri. Spills have to happen and have been happening since impurities in the oil break the pipe. A contaminated water will be drunk by thousands even millions, few of them native. The Indians say water is life.

Government keeps selling land to those would extract oil, gas, use chemically enhanced fracking, all which destroy the plants and animals that live in the region including, humans, to earn magabucks for the few. ICE seizes the children of undocumented immigrants crossing the southern border. Babies, toddlers, are pulled out the arms and from the hands of parents and then sent to far away stations. Parents are told that their children are going to get a shower never to return. For most, there is no explanation. . Parents likely will never see their child again. Government says they do this to discourage immigrants. It’s cruelty is beyond explanation. The AG calls it an act of law. They even quote parts of the bible to make it sound God ordained. The tiny part they quote was favored by Good Christian slave holders. What ever happened to the separation of church and state?

But above all, taking away kids is a money maker. They will build tent cities on army bases. The private corporations running this concentration camp will make a mint. For the kids it is a deadly loss. They are destroyed by the loss of their loving parent. Have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) from which they will never recover.

One father of a 3-year old son torn from his arms committed suicide that night in his cell by hanging. A so-called expert about suicide called the man weak. Said mentally stronger people could handle such a terrible loss. This so-called expert minimized the effects of such abuse to fit in with the submissive crowd

A season of madness is upon us. Madness is a form of disconnection. It is only when we are hand to hand, heart to heart and eye to eye with others including the non-human world that we come to sanity. Instead we scorn the homeless people sleeping on the street. We scorn the people sickened by pollution in their slums until the poison surrounds and kills us all.

Submissive Women

Went to a meeting in my apartment building the other day, unusual for me to be able to attend since my work outside the building usually keeps late hours. The man in charge, a very big man with a big voice generally led the discussion. Once in a while, a second man on the panel, spoke up. There were a few long-winded residents, particularly a woman who loved to argue and could not come-to- a conclusion. Inadequate speech is both a passive-aggressive attack on the listener as well as a sign of inadequacy.

What was extremely noticeable was that the elected women on the panel mostly said nothing. One questioned about the cost of some repairs. One spoke of getting a low price on some needed item or construction job. For this she was complimented by the top man. and it’s true she was the most outspoken of the women. But when it came to a discussion of affairs already way or bringing up new matters, from the women, not a peep.

I found their silence very frustrating and also very typical. Women do not take an independent position when men exert their power. It is in our training. In our society (and in many societies) f you speak up you are labeled unfeminine, castrating, a bitch. If you do not speak up, you are labeled passive, unable to take a leadership position. In your learned subservient role. In Nazi Germany under Hitler, it was the 2 K’s for women: Kirche, Kuche and Kinder (Church, cooking and children).

How did this insanity come about and why do we let it continue? Women are more than 50 % of the population. Where do they put their power? Iceland threw out the bankers who were ruining the economy with their risky, self-serving investments and put women in charge. You may not know it but Iceland is considered to have the most intelligent population in the world. It takes brain power to made independent decisions.

I know the feeling of fear, of being afraid you don’t fit in. I wonder at women who take the mike who do not make sense. Sounding incompetent is part of our learned role. We are supposed to sigh in awe when Mr. Man fixes something. Women do not go to the sciences, to math, to physics, to computers, because these are a man’s world. Who decided? How do we distinguish between our innate gifts and the role that was assigned to us?

There is only one way. Go do the forbidden thing, read the topic, learn the skills your interest requires. Work until you get it. Giving in supports having an inadequate image. Most people under estimate the time they take to learn to understand and do something. Don’t listen to anyone tell you how long a project takes. Work at it until it is done to your satisfaction. Abandon assigned roles. Don’t fit in with a woman as dodo image. Celebrate individuality, creativity. Celebrate your life.

Do Not Pray

Do not respond to a catastrophe with prayer. Sarah Huckabee Sanders, US White House Press Secretary responded to the recent reported firing on a crowd in Las Vegas, not to move on the event with prayer. We are not to investigate how one man (but food delivered to the room indicates many), the number supported by audience responses of those who heard overlapping shots, how this small army can get into a hotel room for days armed with 23 rifles, with a metal plate to cover the door, with 3 tripods to mount the guns, with devices to create machine guns out of single firing weapons and so on. People who want to believe that it is only one mad man will believe the latest tale that this single man used the freight elevator to bring the stuff up to his room. But hotel rules require he be accompanied by hotel staff. And nothing noticed, nothing said? We are to investigate changing stories about the event including firing and later blasting through a door that videos show to be untouched, to see contradictions like that the police could not enter for 62 minutes when a hotel engineering worker said the door was unblocked and open.

When a disaster happens and we are told to pray, some say it is like praying instead of taking a fast-acting drug when thrown by some contagious disease; it is like praying as your area goes under water instead of putting out sandbags and preferably of course, to create and maintain strong dykes against exactly such an event. You can think of many recent disasters in which the country’s leaders or their reps said pray instead of act.

Naomi Klein in The Shock Doctrine, pointed to the crisis money-making schemes of people who tell us to pray. That is the time to buy cheap from those in trouble. Our president wants to abandon Puerto Rico due to debts incurred to US banks who do not reinvest their profits in PR. He does not allow the Jones Act closure to last beyond 10 days which keeps direct aid from other island nations to make direct access to PR with food and water and drugs. Jones says they must go to the US (Florida) and unload and reload into US boats which totally inflates the cost of the rescue. Trump said that the shipping companies’ need come first. Likely Pence, his religious front man said to pray.

Praying is usually a request from god to meet some need. Praying is the wrong response to disaster. Whatever your religious affiliation or its lack, do not look on the economic side of things – who will profit and who will lose in terms of your actions. Act for the greater good of living things. Good action is a form of prayer.

Profoundly Sad

2 weeks of profound sadness and nightmarish dreams. I see a small brown Dachshund-looking mutt, helplessly curled inside a cooking pot, shot through the side of the pot by a gruff looking man who’d lost patience. I dream of a dark- haired, Gypsy-looking woman telling fairy tales to enchanted children. She was wearing a lacy black mask both mysterious and friendly. Suddenly she is shot through the mask. She clutches her face and falls to the ground. I dream of my beloved husband grabbed from behind by an obese shapeless creature which pulled him back and down. These dreams are all about loss. In them, I stand there watching.

Last night, I dreamed of a parasitic ivy that covers a nearby hill and is killing everything else that grows there. It looked like the bars of a prison. One person, two people, a young dog, my mate, killer ivy…. Does watching without acting turn me into a murderer? Does passivity do it to us all?

We are in the 6th Great Extinction, the death of everything. There is our climate crisis: drought and flood and hurricane, no distinct seasons, boil, melt, starve, drown, nuclear accidents, pollution… We attack those who flee to our shores. Prison keeps a very tentative “order” of the impoverished. Those who govern accept a state of ignorance of the climate consequences of their actions. Their god is money=power. The rest of the world is going bio degradable. But our government which is run by oil interests clings to the “old ways.” Trump calls himself a gifted businessman but he (and we) are the losers.

Colin Kaepernick, the NFL football player, knelt on one knee during the National Anthem, to remind people that Blacks need to be treated fairly. Now, he cannot get a football job. Owners of the football business protect themselves from those in power, by kicking him out. Luckily, the sports world is fighting back. Victims are waking up. Many police as well as self-elected “protectors” hate the “underdog.” They shoot black kids who play with tiny, artificial weapons, shoot boys in hooded sweatshirts, arrest black adults who forget to signal left. Police prey upon the poor (largely colored,) whose payments fund the police force. The list of enemies foisted on us by corporate news is ever growing: LGTBQ, women, Jews, Muslims, the disabled…. Them. The more we become afraid, the easier it is for us to jail and kill.

Have we been hypnotized by Madison Avenue’s buy this (on time) as if possessions give life meaning? Have we been sufficiently crazed to hate those who are labeled terrorist? Have we been induced to feel unrelated? We live or die together. That is all.

Please respond.
Elan Golomb
Author of Unloved Again and Trapped in the Mirror

Disaster Can Be a Money Maker

Everything is cheap to buy from an overwhelmed population and its governing body (if not to outright take from the vanquished “enemies.”} The poor part of New Orleans was under water due to a good amount of rain and an inadequate dike system in the lowest part of town populated by disadvantaged people of color. Poor people who lacked the means to flee were put into a stadium in overwhelming numbers. Food? Toilet? Medicine? Forget it.

Red Cross money devoted by thousands did not come to New Orleans. It was another aspect of enrich yourself by using money devoted to someone else’s disaster. Their excuse for using it elsewhere was flimsy. African-Americans were stopped by armed white “authorities.” Keep them in their neighborhood. Once it stopped raining, the public schools and public housing untouched by the flood were closed. Black people were removed on a variety of buses often separated from their children. They were scattered like buckshot then spent enormous time attempting to find their children. A new white middle class moved in.

Take the Canadian Keystone XL Pipe Line which has already has had 3 spills in August and groups are demanding an environmental impact investigation. What of the millions who drink from the Missouri River? The oil is sold in other countries. The number of employees is almost non-existent including people who could do something about pipe break if there are any detected signals. Drinking water for millions vs. money in the bank. Profit for the few vs. survival of the many.

Take Nestles, a lightweight candy. Nestles uses tremendous amount of the world’s vanishing water supply. Those who sell water to Nestles are not local farmers. Nestles salespeople do not drink from that tap. Crops need water. No water, nothing grows. Corporations only have one objective, to make money.

We ordinary citizens have been captured by that machine we worship, that weird construct called “the economy.” Confused and frightened, we accept the various lies and rationalizations tossed at us by those who profit. Our president cares for us. He denies the possibility of climate change as do his chosen cabinet members. Climate deniers say that it is not our fault that the life supporting things are destroyed by our pollution and greed. They say that it is merely a reflection of our planet revolving in space.

Then there is the issue of fighting. Do you believe that our country goes to war to protect us or protect citizens of another country? There usually is some conflict in a nation between the haves and the have not. If nothing can be found, actors hired by the we-need-a-war group stage a terrorist false flag operation. We point to this to say they need our aid. But aid in terms of guns and bombs is not their desired situation. Citizens may desire politicians who better represent the but dying for it is not a willing price.

Who pays for war? We pay it through out taxes. Who profits from war? Corporations (CEOs) who create the fighting tools as well as keep the spoils. They have to possess a natural resource that we can use to make money. Afghanistan has minerals. Iraq has oil. The current nation we claim needs us to assist them is Venezuela, another major source of oil.

What of our destroying whole countries: Iran, Sudan, Iraq? Thousands cross the Mediterranean Sea (many drowning), entering and moving through Europe to a country that can give them food, medicine jobs, living spaces. Germany is a favorite. It can handle a few hundred– but thousand on thousands? They are not set up for this.

But why would the US want to wipe out whole countries in-order to flood Europe with a refugee population which occupies, confuses and undermines them? The US has been losing its dominance in the European market which has decided, for example, toe refuse gene-modified food. When a nation’s governing body is overwhelmed, they cannot focus on what is being allowed into their market. They have to accept gene modified products sent by the US and other procucts previously refused. The US is dominant once more.

Voter Suppression

 

Those who largely have inherited their wealth see themselves as god-chosen. Those who have less are deemed unworthy. Religion has long been used as an excuse for theft, rape, murder like during the search for the Holy Grail. If one speaks up against economic abuse and has a following, he/she often is jailed and even murdered as were Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Murderers are hired by those who fear the consequences of a citizen uprising. As Frederick Douglass said, the powerful will not give up anything without a struggle.

Slippage into an undemocratic process has- to be corrected. Elections need to not be run by competing parties but by a neutral group like The League of Women Voters. Instead of attempting to reduce the number of voters as has been happening, voter registration should be conferred at birth and at the time of citizenship. Not voting should have a monetary penalty. Voting is your duty and you right including for those in prison. There can be no loss of voting rights.

Voting should be allowed until the latest moment including weekends. There should be no way to disqualify voters like Kris Koback’s (the “King of Voter Suppression”) error-filled scam of declared double registration when the names of largely black and brown and Spanish Democrats barely resemble each other, to get rid of voters from a rival party.

There should be rank order voting, first choice then second choice and so on, so that the winner is the one who has the most votes. The parties should not determine who will run. Every interested person may run. Instead of corporate money controlling campaigns, a stated federal amount is given to each nominee and no other money is allowed. Voting must be done on paper and hand counted (as is done in Canada). Privately owned computers should not count the vote. Computer output can easily be rigged.

No one including the Supreme Court judges should rule for life. What if their thinking proves unjust like our most recent appointee who rules corporations over people? The Supreme Court is there to serve the people, to distinguish the “unjust.” Bring them up for a vote say every 5 years which is enough time to have proved their mettle. Rule-breaking is the right of despots not of elected presidents. Let the people demand a court appearance with the right to remove from office those who gain spoils from office or who are emotionally unfit to lead.

Demand a retraction of the insane ruling which declares corporations to be people and gives them a too strong influence on those who govern. Change the US economy whose main income comes from prisons and from selling instruments of death which causes an arms race everywhere. Close the prisons and offer free education so that all may acquire valuable skills to earn a living.

Elan Golomb

Unloved Again 

 

 

 

 

 

Create a “green” economy, an economy of peace.