Silence Is Not Golden

My friend told me about spending a birthday with her granddaughter on her 16th birthday. She told me that the girl told her of her mother’s betrayal, telling the girl’s Tai Kwando teacher, the mother’s co-teacher and secret lover, that the girl said his teaching technique was faulty. The mother told her boyfriend and the boyfriend then attacked the daughter for a variety of unrelated things. Clearly to the girl, it was punishment following the mother’s betrayal.

As a result, the girl was not speaking to her mother except for necessary directives and the mother seemed not to notice. The girl, an adoptee, asked by her mother years ago if she as regarded as her mother, answered one half. Mom immediately said that they could hunt down the girl’s mother in Guatemala if she wanted. Mom was totally unthinking, probably unconsciously and deliberately so, that the girl found her to be one half a parent because she acted in a half-parent way. Telling her boyfriend what her daughter said about him was a perfect example.

I asked my friend what did she say to her granddaughter when she heard the story. She said, “I was silent.” I heard a warning note in her voice, a “don’t go there” and wondered why. She was being half a grandmother the way her daughter was half a mother.

I dared to ask why she said nothing in return to her granddaughter’s disclosure. She said I don’t want to say bad things about my daughter. She said it in a haughty way, part of her Buddhist training to only support love. I wanted to say more but she clearly did not want to hear it. So, I will say what I did not say to her and then some, here.

She had a vituperative demanding mother who required worship. She was designated the caretaker of her younger brothers. No one thanked her for it and she quickly learned to keep her mouth shut, particularly since her father was even worse and had no interest in her at all. Keep an A average and get out of my way when I leave to be with my friends at the airport (he had a tiny plane) bought from his teacher’s and minister’s salary. Family came last if at all.

Fear underlay her silence although she painted it with the color of goodness. Sometimes, what we tell ourselves about how wonderful we are is merely a cover up. She exemplified the silence that her granddaughter was using towards her mother, a kind of unstated non-endorsement. She was supporting the same kind of alienation she had from Mom and Dad in childhood. She was covering up her own overly indulgent behavior she always had toward her daughter, giving her the support no matter what she never got from her Mother and creating a self-centered spoiled brat. It is this brat part of the girl’s mother who did not think to ask what makes me only one half a mother to you, my daughter.

My friend needs to tell her granddaughter to tell her mother about her hurt feelings at the mother’s passing on the girl’s secret to her lover. Yes, the mother’s feelings might be hurt. It might be hard for her to consider that something she is doing is causing a problem. But do remember that the mother’s upset and subsequent (hopeful) examination of her motivation as well as thoughtless if not ill-intentioned doing, feeling sorry and apologizing will bring mother and daughter closer.

It is always better to air grievances so that trust is reestablished. There is nothing better than knowing you can always talk about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Voter Suppression

 

Those who largely have inherited their wealth see themselves as god-chosen. Those who have less are deemed unworthy. Religion has long been used as an excuse for theft, rape, murder like during the search for the Holy Grail. If one speaks up against economic abuse and has a following, he/she often is jailed and even murdered as were Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Murderers are hired by those who fear the consequences of a citizen uprising. As Frederick Douglass said, the powerful will not give up anything without a struggle.

Slippage into an undemocratic process has- to be corrected. Elections need to not be run by competing parties but by a neutral group like The League of Women Voters. Instead of attempting to reduce the number of voters as has been happening, voter registration should be conferred at birth and at the time of citizenship. Not voting should have a monetary penalty. Voting is your duty and you right including for those in prison. There can be no loss of voting rights.

Voting should be allowed until the latest moment including weekends. There should be no way to disqualify voters like Kris Koback’s (the “King of Voter Suppression”) error-filled scam of declared double registration when the names of largely black and brown and Spanish Democrats barely resemble each other, to get rid of voters from a rival party.

There should be rank order voting, first choice then second choice and so on, so that the winner is the one who has the most votes. The parties should not determine who will run. Every interested person may run. Instead of corporate money controlling campaigns, a stated federal amount is given to each nominee and no other money is allowed. Voting must be done on paper and hand counted (as is done in Canada). Privately owned computers should not count the vote. Computer output can easily be rigged.

No one including the Supreme Court judges should rule for life. What if their thinking proves unjust like our most recent appointee who rules corporations over people? The Supreme Court is there to serve the people, to distinguish the “unjust.” Bring them up for a vote say every 5 years which is enough time to have proved their mettle. Rule-breaking is the right of despots not of elected presidents. Let the people demand a court appearance with the right to remove from office those who gain spoils from office or who are emotionally unfit to lead.

Demand a retraction of the insane ruling which declares corporations to be people and gives them a too strong influence on those who govern. Change the US economy whose main income comes from prisons and from selling instruments of death which causes an arms race everywhere. Close the prisons and offer free education so that all may acquire valuable skills to earn a living.

Elan Golomb

Unloved Again 

 

 

 

 

 

Create a “green” economy, an economy of peace.

Climate March

I Grieve for Mother Earth

The greedy mad men have taken over. They intend to harvest the life-force of this world. They believe they will survive after dragging oil pipes through wetlands and under rivers, pipes almost always breaking and spreading oil into the now-undrinkable water, then selling what’s left to those who burn it and spread hot pollution into the air; they cut down and sell entire forests ignoring that trees create oxygen and sequester CO2. They take the money from welfare and Medicare and Medicaid calling the Government too “broke” to pay it. They make it hard for people to vote against those who enact these deed by jerry rigging the voter population to cut down power of opponents and by phony listing them as registered in more than one state using a resource of barely resembling names. (See Greg Palast’s, The Best Democracy Money can buy.)

They remove government sponsored social support (paid for by our taxes). Currently there is a battle over planned Parenthood due to their sponsoring abortion, perhaps 3% of their income. But what about PP’s family planning and other services? Women are to be screwed again. They eliminate reasonable but not free insurance like is offered in almost all western nations and almost everywhere else. They plan to not cover pre-existing conditions and to jump the fees on the aged population, thereby kicking them out of insurance. Another current battle. They take away funds from the EPA, whose boss doesn’t believe in Global Warming). The discarded EPA concerns preservation of parks and animals and the air we breathe and the water we drink. The corporate mind wants to use (up) the wild. They want to eliminate the CDC which analyzes the effect of drugs and says what is marketable. All these agencies limit corporate profit. The millionaire and billionaire “leaders” can’t have that! We, the voter population ignore that congress is paid off by corporations which writes the laws the Congress “votes” on.

Then there is war. The government sees enemies everywhere, on mountain tops and in jungles. We pour tax money into “defending” us against their imagined force. We make war against indigenous peoples, some of them fighting each other but far away from us. War is a business. There are winners who are paid to create the tools of destruction and there are prizes, like the natural resources of conquered nations. Hate and killing begets hate and killing. Grudge fights travel down through the generations. We remain a vengeful warring nation.

Get into a 1984 state of mind with Big Brother watching you. Scream with hate at the current enemy. Believe that less food is more food. Don’t notice the torturers and the rich. Forget your memory of events including times you loved, and breathed free. Letting others define reality, you sink into their sea of greed.

Suddenly I am afraid to write. Think of negative consequences of speaking out. But what tossed me into the frightened bin was writing by Chris Hedges, a magnificent thinker about the coming abyss. Speaking of those who know and fight back, he said they will be arrested: first to go of our nation’s “enemies” are the Muslims, then Afro-Americans, then Jews, then rebellious women; then intellectuals, then the greens… writers, scholars, people unable or unwilling to submit. These people have to be eliminated so that money-making destruction can proceed unimpeded.

Chris Hedges spoke of living another way, one not based on lies and hate; not on being winners which means that everybody loses, not on seeking self-importance which means your sense of self feels empty. Hedges says, we are to create communities that are self-sustaining; not funded by nation or state, no money earned, no taxes paid. We bring together skills and labor. We are self-governing. There are no CEOs. Our time, energy, talents are shared.

We learn new things as well as resurrect the old. We use heirloom seeds to create strong and healthy plants, not living in a Monsanto trap. No gene splicing to create plants that can withstand poisonous sprays (whose poisoned fruit/stem/leaves/root we eat. We have lady bugs to keep insect life in check, bees to fertilize every flowering plant. We companion plant what we grow with things that are mutually advantageous like seaweed or like the Indians did who buried a fish at the base of each corn. We will not eat food our body cannot recognize as nutritious. We throw nothing away. Everything is recycled. We use animals to haul and dig and crap which we gather and age for eventual soil enrichment. We compost to create new soil. We are gentle to the animals including the wild so that they are kind to us. We do not resent sharing a little of our harvest. We use non-polluting energy resources.

We are alarmed by the endless outpouring of Fukushima radiation. The Pacific has been destroyed. How are we to survive the endlessly increasing man-created onslaughts, moving us towards extinction? Whatever the outcome and we need to grieve our losses but still pursue the path of love.

We stop leading a lonely life. The living world is our family.

Attend Climate March tomorrow in DC or locally at 10 AM at Long Beach.

See you. Elan Golomb

 

 

 

 

Your Dream Knocks On the Door

The dream says, “Hey there. It’s you I’m talking to.” The dream comes from your less put into a box mind. That alert part of the self is sending you a message. Some call dreams mental garbage. They want to keep a lid on consciousness which is a sign of fear. They have a Pandora’s box approach to knowing who they are.

Dreams offer valuable information. You learned to fear such internal knowing by parents who feared their own. They were silenced before you by unresolved conflicts with their own parent. Rules are rules until you examine and decide whether to follow or disregard them. It becomes a matter of your choosing.

Your unrestricted mind creates a dream which opens your eyes. It tells you what to examine.  Defenses are created in childhood to give us a sense of safety. Whether they should continue operating outside our awareness in adult life is something else. Childhood defenses stick out their mental foot which trips us into childhood. A dream calls attention to what we need to know in order to grow up.

Take the following dream:

I was in a  small, cheap hotel in the hinterlands of India. Went for a walk with some of the locals I had recently met. Chattering and listening to them was a lot of fun. I didn’t pay close attention to how we got to where we were ended up. My memory was of making a right turn outside the hotel, going straight ahead for a while then making a left and walking some more. It seemed to be a simple plan.

So I go for that walk alone the next day. After walking a certain distance straight ahead I turn left and walk some more. Thinking to go back, nothing looks familiar. Did I make yesterday’s right and left? I am confused and scared. I see all kinds of tantalizing sights, beautiful people, a long-haired woman selling pineapple at a stand, a man sitting cross-legged in front of his door, meditating or just looking at the world. I see small churches, religious people coming and going, a very large pond. The people are friendly. One invites me into her house where I meet family members. So much belonging, but I am not one of them.

I ask them for directions but what kind of direction can they give since I cannot remember the name of my hotel. So I walk on. See hump-necked cattle grazing. After a while, I ask another person about where to go and am told to take a dirt path downhill into the jungle. I decide not to go that way. It is too wild and devoid of people. I  keep walking. The people, their temples, their spirit of acceptance is appealing. I cannot stay and cannot leave since I do not know how to go back to my hotel. Stranded.

A dream tends to speak in metaphorical images. Wandering in a wild world seemingly unprepared is a childhood approach to parental hatred. It is the defense of  “unknowing.” How strange one uses ineptness to survive. It elicits parental blows for an impersonal failure rather than doing my best and being attacked for that. Deliberate inadequacy is something to hide behind. I remember that my parents were jealous of any sign of my intellect. My father had to be the best, period. My mother had to psychologically knock me down in order to own me so that I could not leave her. I could only be good at something they both did not understand so I painted as a path they could not follow.

But my writing they could and did evaluate. It was a constant put down. I began to conceal my work with traces of disorder. Being sloppy fit in with their criticism.  My typing was terrible. My paper had fingerprints and other smudges. I did not know that sloppiness was my choice. I lost my work on the subway. “How can you be so stupid” was their refrain. I was lost and stranded by my defense.

This defense came with me to college. Teachers who gotten past their own inner punishing parent said my work was very good. One who really encouraged me said that my work which was wonderfully unique seemed to have been fished out of a toilet bowl. He had not been taken by my disorder and suggested I keep writing.

So here I am an adult desiring to use creativity, probably writing to help our increasingly upset world. My dream of being lost in a foreign jungle due to forgetting where I came from reminds me of my own parent-compressed mind and tells me to that I can choose to be unprepared or not.

When you awaken, do not leap out of bed since movement eliminates memory. Note what you dreamed and see your associations. These will tell you what you need to know. They will help you plan where you want to go and how to get there.

Recognize A Lie

You cannot tell another’s lie if you are a liar. If you lie, you assume that everyone does it. The clarity of the  litmus paper of truth is stained by your falsehood so that you cannot see through. Blindness is caused by avoiding the rules of morality which bring us all together. If we lie, we believe that everyone is a liar and do not feel guilty for doing it. We come to have no belief except in the power of us versus them, our lying enemies.

Where do we need to feel the location of truth when testing our own reaction?  Is knowing the truth, a head operation? According to the American Indian (I forget which tribe,) we find truth in our heart. If what we think and do heals and feeds the “other” as well as self, it is truth. If decisions come exclusively from your mind, .. you are crazy which means out of touch with reality.

In knowing whether someone speaks the truth, ask who “who benefits?” If you or the party or organization is the sole winner, you/they/it lie. If your seeing and knowing are limited, if what you think, do and say is blinded by fear, is it a lie? Yes but not your fault. Your thinking has been corralled and distorted by the family, group distortions, by propaganda rained down on you thinking from childhood on.

Do the heart-designated lying words engender fear of the designated enemy so that you will use weapons to kill in order to protect self/family/nation, who/what benefits from this war? Never stop asking where goes the flow of money and power from your violence.

If you are pushed into feeling the false power of group excitement, you are lying to yourself. If you can stand on your own two feet and feel your connection with life around you, you are more in touch with truth.

With heart over head, see what moves you. Be willing to learn more and change in that direction. A heart response takes you out of the loneliness of egomania and false connection to ideas and movements which engender disaster.

Do not be taken in. Remember to always ask if it is a lie.

Don’t Put On a Happy Face

It’s interesting, the publicity campaign for my book always puts forward the idea of making yourself and your family happy while leaving out the entire middle part. It is like climbing Mt. Everest by helicopter. Actually nothing gets climbed that way. Happiness it not achieved by helicopter science. This ad campaign misses the entire gist of my recently published book Unloved Again. The message of Unloved Again is that you are programmed during your formative years of childhood by childhood experience, not by words, to make yourself (and ultimately your lover and your children) to be unhappy. Unloved Again shows you how to get out of this “program.” Climbing this mountain requires that your unconscious motivation, your fear and drive become conscious. Then, you can move away.

You can’t stop doing something if you do not know what it is. You can put on a happy face and do the same old thing. Publicity has joined the central idea of our “avoid feeling pain” society, that pain must be avoided from the start. Putting this foremost as your intention, is following a path to nowhere but where you are. Pain serves a purpose for man and beast. Pain tells you that something is wrong and needs your attention, that something needs to be changed. Pain is vital to finding a path to happiness.

Seeking a quick fix means that that you are going to have ever more of it. If your behavior is hurting someone else, you have to admit their pain. If someone is hurting you, you have to feel and know it. When you tell the person who is hurting you to stop, you have to recognize that they have heard you by what they say and do. If they do not stop hurting you, the next step is up to you. It is your choice whether to go or remain a suffering beggar.

Those who think that their speech has not been clear enough, or who think due to some personal short-coming they need to beg and beg again, that they need to make sacrifices to win the other person’s love, that they have to learn to grin and bear it, these are the ones with a smiling face behind which their painful heart is sobbing, these are the ones whose self-condemning cause them to lead a hurtful life.

Note your pain clearly. Tell your partner about it. If the one who hurts you is too angry or condemnatory to do anything about it including punishing you for speaking, you need to get out of that situation, not just for the moment but for good. If you are too frightened to make the change, if you do not know how to escape , there are organizations that help abused partners get out, not to grin and bear it. Do not give up. Seek help. Get clear and strong. Move on.

 

 

 

First You Crumble

I just did a little bit of a mourning dance feeling emotionally black. Got kicked out of a newspaper for mentioning my book at the bottom of my blog as self-serving. Had not looked at their rules before I did this and so uninformed. I felt the sadness of loss. Felt angry at myself for stupidly following another’s advice with insufficient understanding. Whose fault? Mine alone.

After losing something you value and to which you attach some aspect of your welfare, feelings of loss will happen. Anything we care about leaves a hole in the self when it is taken away. That hole is experienced as depression.  Feeling angry at the self for being stupid is something else. Self-attack is not a necessary accompaniment of learning although some think it so. They say “no pain no gain.” The philosophy of suffering becomes an excuse for mistreating  yourself, your lover, your child, …employee, anyone you want to  “learn” something, Sadistic behavior usually is usually learned by undergoing your parent’s mistreatment. The way out of self-hatred is to take a position which says no to the impulse to harm self or other. It is a stance which says, “I’m not going that way.” You need to put a period on your history of mistreatment. Look at your childhood experience  in order to consign it to  the past.

What happens after a person you love dies? This is a mighty hole to go through. You have to feel sad. In the experience of mourning, you become unmotivated, are in an arrested state. You read books of fantasy that take your mind to a nowhere place, you read books whose themes occupy your mind. You socialize with people who care. They bring food which you eat together while sharing memories of the deceased one which make you laugh and cry. You go back and forth, empty then full then empty again until you no longer are preoccupied with your loss.

You are in a crumble. That which once held you together is no longer available or  possible or no longer works. It is necessary to go through the maze of loss until suddenly you find yourself outside. You remember the loss but there is distance now between you and it. Some still weep at the time of the loved one’s birthday, smile when remembering their wedding day, and other times of joy. It is a mighty emotional house cleaning remembering the good and weeping about your loss.

It is a bad idea to think you must mourn forever, that you should never have another lover or mate or spouse to prove that you love the deceased. To think that the loved person would not let you love again does not represent their love for you. They loved you and wanted you to be happy then and now. Your love for them does not end because you now love another.

Hooray for the crumble. Crumbling is a falling apart of the old way so that a new way of thinking/feeling/being is created by the force of life.  Every time we move onto something new, we have to let go of the old or to stand on its shoulders. We lack a thing/behavior to cling to. We have to find our balance. We have to find parts of the self to develop and to see aspects of the world we had not seen before. Growth is a process of loss and then gain. We have to move into a warrior position in the world of love and understanding.

Get my book Unloved Again today! Email me directly at elangolomb@gmail.com in order to get your signed copy. Hardcover ($25 including shipping) and Paperback ($16 including shipping) versions available.Payment collected via Squareup.com/store/elangolomb.

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