The Family Bed – Misused

The family bed was conceived of as a way to make sleeping a togetherness experience with the parents. There was no age barrier to sharing, young and old alike. Usually, the older ones start wanting their own bed before the younger although they are always able to share if desired. The parents sometimes get a feeling of “enough” when their kids are in the 6th grade and beginning to want their own bed. However, usually high school kids so conscious of what their peers are doing and wanting to fit in, are more than ready for a bed and if possible, a room of their own!

The family bed becomes a creator of disturbance, sometimes lasting when it is allowed or prohibited as a reward or punishment, inevitably when one or more of the children is singled out. Then the “chosen one” learns some kind of destructive lesson whether it is as a reward or as a punishment. It becomes part of one’s self-labeling. You are the unloved excluded or the special included. On what basis? Who knows? It teaches distorted lessons about how to get loved or how to live without it.

Take the example of a mother who was unable to conceive after years of trying so adopted two dark-skinned babies from a less-developed country. The older one, a girl was favored for her beauty, but in some ways, was expected to restrain her emotions and speech, her likes and dislikes and needs. She had an adopted a negative label. The younger adopted child turned out to have a learning disability and was slow to speak, think and adapt. His parents did not respond to this with humor and acceptance, a simplification of tasks followed by a “you did it.” He was more actively rejected, put-down and ignored. Neither parent was aware of playing favorites. Parents play out the rejection they experienced as children, this time as doer rather than victim.

The older children sometimes slept with Mom and Dad but more readily moved away from them. The ted without the parent’s conscious knowing was not a welcoming place.

But as they say, S____ hits the fan and Mom suddenly conceived. This child was born white skinned and blond. She was clever as younger children are in picking up language, partly because they listen to their siblings, but also because the parents endlessly crooned, held, and talked to this child. She too had access to the Family Bed.

With all her favoritism, it would seem surprising that she was given to throwing tantrums, not an easy sleeper, needing to be held and coddled; out of infancy, she still was prone to ready tears, cries of helplessness and need. One would wonder where this came from since favor was heaped upon her. It came from her baby privilege.

And now that she is about twelve, she still has to start sleeping with Mom (Dad has departe to a more loving partner)and only in the morning departs for her bed. She still stages helpless tantrums, acting like a far younger child. She does this even though she is quite accurate in her understanding and description of other people. Her intelligence is not running the show. It is her view of herself  as a special baby. Exhibiting the behavior to which Mom favorably responded. She has seen older Sister and Brother rejected, scuttled to a demanding adulthood. Part of her clinging to baby hood is her being overweight. Brother is slim. Sister is very small and exquisitely formed but not an extra ounce of fat upon her. She lives with emotional rations.

But the third child is plump. She has a baby figure, no waist, no early breasts, like the pawn on a chess board. She is uncomfortable with her ungainliness but the child within accepts it as a necessity to remain Mom’s favorite. Early training, what gains love if nothing replaces it, remains with us for life.

It’s not true she can’t lose weight. She has sometimes dieted down only to regain it. It is the connection her inner child has with a Mother who only loves her as a baby, the one endlessly welcomed to the Family Bed which keeps her a fat child. It is only after seeing the baby love addiction and deciding  that a shaky childhood should not run us for life, that one can make up one’s mind to move on, lose the weight, act like a real adult.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Is Your True Self

We choose a president who chose a cabinet which is robbing us every single day of things which offer popular support – to give tax breaks to the obscenely rich or great profit to equally powerful corporations. Did we not know this when we voted?

I would say yes and no. We saw a scheming television personalty who promised not to take away Medicare, Medicaid, health care and on and on…. All of these now are on the chopping block. The TV stations went crazy for him because his appearance sold a lot of on-air products. They pretty much ignored everyone else, especially Bernie Sanders.

His reputation for not paying almost everyone who worked for him was not mentioned by mainstream media but seeped into the news elsewhere. Why did we choose to fall into the trip of deceit? Probably because we already were there. People most easily scammed were raised by parents who both terrified and took away their right to think for themselves. These child-minded adults saw the candidate as a powerful figure who could harm them. They chose to accept his words of self-glory as well as promises of help, jobs, etc. that he would not keep. The child within is too frightened of severe parental mistreatment to do otherwise.

But how are we who had a terrifying childhood and, as a consequence, a terrified inner child to move away from our submissive persona and become a free and  and powerful self? That is what this column is about.

I set myself to thinking about people I’ve seen who live in the adult self. I remember going to a NY library to research documentary films because I was about to film one myself on the mothering practices in the Venezuelan Amazon. To my surprise there were few of them. I guess corporations that fund television do so to sell their toothpaste, bombs and bullets through adult educational programming. They are certainly not interested in a tiny bunch of people living off the land. I saw a pygmy family, beautiful small people sitting in an igloo of leaves and branches. It was the rainy season and it sure was raining. There seemed to be some complaining and pointing to the roof until Dad went out and got a few more leaves to cover the holes. Then he sat down next to Mom, next to their older boy child, a boy and a younger child leaning against them, and began to sing to to sing. Momma sang. Daddy sang. The older boy and the baby sang, mouth wide open, not yet quite using words. The melody was beautiful. The harmony even more so- not just the music, but the family itself. Everyone unselfconsciously joined together, entranced.

I then looked at another film of a small group of people, several families on an Indonesian Island. I heard from them that the children never fight. something we in the west call normal. These people gather food from nature around them including mussels in the stream. They leave no imprint on the world.

They too sang. They sometimes sang together, sometimes alone. Even a child would sometimes sing alone. They sang on camera and the tune was beautiful. They sang to celebrate life. They asked the embarrassed and cornered anthropologist to sing. He croaked out “Old McDonald…” They smiled and made happy noises as they were a kind bunch of people.

So this is the image I use for an adult self-singing together, all included. Any “leader” who shuts out certain singers as unworthy, evil, like the Muslims, African Americans, Latinos, are Jews, women, are not singing the song of self. The true self is inclusive. Martin Luther King Jr., made that point. To love all is not to like their aggressive and destructive deeds. A true self feels unity with the living planet which that person will not and cannot despoil.

So find a group in which you can sing your song. Your music needn’t be one of sound. It can be selling solar power, teaching creating. It can be inventing, writing poetry, preserving species, leading hikes. It can be anything in which your spirit sings, so long as you sing with everyone – a beautiful harmony of the human family; more than that, the family of life.

 

 

 

Make America Unimportant Again

 

Surplus Population

Austerity

Work enacted for those who “own” the corporations is increasingly done by machines or by near-slave populations including those in US prisons. So much money is earned this way. Should there not be a living wage taken for those who now work short hours or those who cannot work at all?

Our President answers no. Look at the Trump hotels (he sells his name, you know), and Trump golf courses in many nations. Notice that there is a law suit gaining momentum against Trump for receiving emoluments (sales due to his position.) His Inherited wealth was largely first extracted from impoverished tenants, more recently produced by underpaying or not paying builders laid off the job midstream by intended bankruptcy. The uncompleted building is sold as a fictitious loss. Trump boasts about his success as a businessman. There is plenty of deceit in the accolade.

Trump and Co.’s attitude towards federally -funded health care is kill’em off. The profit from cutting human health services is added to profit from filling the jails  and closing public schools; associated with using police violence to scare impoverished, angry people into silence. Whole nations now do “austerity” which means cutting back on public services because, “government lacks the money.” People at the top keep the disclaimed funds.

But wait a minute. Is austerity the only possibility? Is it only wealth for a few at the top? Look at what just happened in England? Jeremy Corbyn was elected Labor leader in Britain. He said he is stopping “austerity” enactments. Going to create jobs for the people. Especially for the youth who voted for him. Will create an economy.

It takes courage to call a lie a lie. Politicians promise to change what they have done still controlled by their funding corporations. They lie about what they did before or toss the blame at their opponents. They lead you into hating those who are superficially different but whose basic needs are the same. It is a ploy to dis-empower: gay vs. straight, white vs. black. Jew vs. Gentile vs. Muslim vs. atheist vs female. vs….Nonsense.

Let us look at the ignorant, compulsive need by our president who insists he has the answer. He claims that climate change is a hoax enacted by the Chinese. His need to-be seen as “right” requires drawing up the bridges against the encroaching flood of science. He shouts with pride that we are to dig the coal (no one wants to buy). Announces, let the oil flow that pollutes our water. Ignores the polluted ocean, the dying fish, the Fukushima-irradiated Pacific, the slowing of the Gulf Stream – warm top, cold bottom, a recycling water force needed to stave off the next Ice Age; ignores tornadoes and drought and flood …. and death. All that matters to the sociopathic few at the top is their numbers in the bank. But their numbers are going down.

Trump and his cadre of power hungry, uninformed associates, do not know that the outside world is on an economic upturn making non-polluting devices and creating ways to offer personally generated power to the people. Trump fired almost anyone who knew about the environment and put an anti-Global-Warming person in charge. He made it illegal for the EPA to publish.

Fascism has-to do with an amalgam of government and corporate power. It’s amazing how the incompetents who made a lot of patriotic noise have come to run the country. We need to take to the streets banging pots and pans and stay there to demand government use our tax money to support our needs. Same with Social Security. Our life time investment is not an “entitlement.” We need to not return to a submissive state. We need to vote the ineffectual sell-outs out of office. Return to the future.

Elan Golomb

Author of Unloved Again

No Time to Wait and See

A person comes into your life, someone known by their proclaimed exploits. You have a negative reaction to that person—you see a boastful liar; you infer a manipulator pretending to sacrifice for your good who, once chosen, will turn your trusting sacrifice into personal profit. He exudes an air that portends personal harm. But you do not react accordingly? What is going on?

We fall into a state of Pollyanna denial. Maybe the person is better than he seems. We should not jump to a conclusion. We tell ourselves that outside influences will change him for the better. He will learn to do the right thing.

But part of us knows that he is our enemy. Intuition screams to the conscious self, “Get out!” Still, we do not listen. How many times have we given ourselves to people who claim personal concern? It turns out that we have surrendered to their needs. Still our baby mind argues that we will profit from this in the end. Our willingness to be led by egocentric, greedy, threatening people is an act of fear. Fear erases our adult mind which would defend its primacy. That mind was never strong enough or we would not have fallen into regressive acquiescence.

While this is self-sabotage in personal relationships, it is dangerous on a large scale in governance. A “give him a chance” philosophy often allows the falsely chosen “leader” to reinforce his power by attacking “non-believers.” Occasions are invented or caused to happen (a contrived “false flag” operation) by the leader though his crew of sociopathic helpers to take away social power. It gives rise to an extended and ongoing Patriot Act, both officially and de facto, voted into action by elected officials who want to share the power.

Remember the Reichstag fire in Germany? It was contrived by Hitler and his confrères to create an act of terrorism which could be blamed on the Jews. Create a fearful enemy and you hold a population in your palm. The terrified followers will do, or at least allow to be done, what the civilized person would shun.

We need to stop deadening our ability to consider real information. There are times when it is wrong to wait. It is time to demand leaders who will not destroy the environment, disregard the social construct, and entrap us in perpetual war, leaders who will value the populace over corporate profits. If Congress will not heed this, since they already are in the corporate pockets, we can force action on a State level while still pushing for national change. We need to do this in order to survive, and we need to start now.

Climate March

I Grieve for Mother Earth

The greedy mad men have taken over. They intend to harvest the life-force of this world. They believe they will survive after dragging oil pipes through wetlands and under rivers, pipes almost always breaking and spreading oil into the now-undrinkable water, then selling what’s left to those who burn it and spread hot pollution into the air; they cut down and sell entire forests ignoring that trees create oxygen and sequester CO2. They take the money from welfare and Medicare and Medicaid calling the Government too “broke” to pay it. They make it hard for people to vote against those who enact these deed by jerry rigging the voter population to cut down power of opponents and by phony listing them as registered in more than one state using a resource of barely resembling names. (See Greg Palast’s, The Best Democracy Money can buy.)

They remove government sponsored social support (paid for by our taxes). Currently there is a battle over planned Parenthood due to their sponsoring abortion, perhaps 3% of their income. But what about PP’s family planning and other services? Women are to be screwed again. They eliminate reasonable but not free insurance like is offered in almost all western nations and almost everywhere else. They plan to not cover pre-existing conditions and to jump the fees on the aged population, thereby kicking them out of insurance. Another current battle. They take away funds from the EPA, whose boss doesn’t believe in Global Warming). The discarded EPA concerns preservation of parks and animals and the air we breathe and the water we drink. The corporate mind wants to use (up) the wild. They want to eliminate the CDC which analyzes the effect of drugs and says what is marketable. All these agencies limit corporate profit. The millionaire and billionaire “leaders” can’t have that! We, the voter population ignore that congress is paid off by corporations which writes the laws the Congress “votes” on.

Then there is war. The government sees enemies everywhere, on mountain tops and in jungles. We pour tax money into “defending” us against their imagined force. We make war against indigenous peoples, some of them fighting each other but far away from us. War is a business. There are winners who are paid to create the tools of destruction and there are prizes, like the natural resources of conquered nations. Hate and killing begets hate and killing. Grudge fights travel down through the generations. We remain a vengeful warring nation.

Get into a 1984 state of mind with Big Brother watching you. Scream with hate at the current enemy. Believe that less food is more food. Don’t notice the torturers and the rich. Forget your memory of events including times you loved, and breathed free. Letting others define reality, you sink into their sea of greed.

Suddenly I am afraid to write. Think of negative consequences of speaking out. But what tossed me into the frightened bin was writing by Chris Hedges, a magnificent thinker about the coming abyss. Speaking of those who know and fight back, he said they will be arrested: first to go of our nation’s “enemies” are the Muslims, then Afro-Americans, then Jews, then rebellious women; then intellectuals, then the greens… writers, scholars, people unable or unwilling to submit. These people have to be eliminated so that money-making destruction can proceed unimpeded.

Chris Hedges spoke of living another way, one not based on lies and hate; not on being winners which means that everybody loses, not on seeking self-importance which means your sense of self feels empty. Hedges says, we are to create communities that are self-sustaining; not funded by nation or state, no money earned, no taxes paid. We bring together skills and labor. We are self-governing. There are no CEOs. Our time, energy, talents are shared.

We learn new things as well as resurrect the old. We use heirloom seeds to create strong and healthy plants, not living in a Monsanto trap. No gene splicing to create plants that can withstand poisonous sprays (whose poisoned fruit/stem/leaves/root we eat. We have lady bugs to keep insect life in check, bees to fertilize every flowering plant. We companion plant what we grow with things that are mutually advantageous like seaweed or like the Indians did who buried a fish at the base of each corn. We will not eat food our body cannot recognize as nutritious. We throw nothing away. Everything is recycled. We use animals to haul and dig and crap which we gather and age for eventual soil enrichment. We compost to create new soil. We are gentle to the animals including the wild so that they are kind to us. We do not resent sharing a little of our harvest. We use non-polluting energy resources.

We are alarmed by the endless outpouring of Fukushima radiation. The Pacific has been destroyed. How are we to survive the endlessly increasing man-created onslaughts, moving us towards extinction? Whatever the outcome and we need to grieve our losses but still pursue the path of love.

We stop leading a lonely life. The living world is our family.

Attend Climate March tomorrow in DC or locally at 10 AM at Long Beach.

See you. Elan Golomb

 

 

 

 

Elmo, You’re Fired!

How the Destruction of the Arts and Education Ensure Our Servitude to the One-percent

Elmo was fired after 32 years on Sesame Street. The cost of the show is so little. Why did Trump and Co. do it?  Doesn’t entertaining and educating children count for anything?

It’s all about loss these days, at least for the 98 percent. Although what we lose covers the waterfront and seems a haphazard choice, it isn’t. Get rid of the social services which support a family; get rid of shows that give a friendly and imaginative time for kids to learn, as well as a time to rest for single Mom, working two jobs to keep them all alive.

Trump and his family are a “forget the poor and use-the-workers-up” type family. Bannon, Trump’s chosen Chief Strategist, is a well-known racist, anti-immigrant man connected with the Alt-right via Breitbart News. He is the guide for Trump’s fondest take-it-all dreams.

The Trump regime has ended support for the National Endowment for the Arts, and other public services, including Sesame Street. The arts remind us of the great accomplishments of our ancestors: writing and story-telling, 2,000 plus year old manuscripts documenting Egyptian medicine before Europe had a culture, showing dike diggers and pyramid builders lifting stones weighing tons to the top – how did they do it? Those who wish to own “humans” as did the slave-holders, want the victims ignorant about what their ancestors have done and to see themselves as deserving little.

When Africans were captured and shipped to silver mines on the West Indies and to the southern US plantations, those who survived the voyage laid out like sardines in the hold of the ship, did not have the mentality of slaves. They were full human beings who intended to rebel and flee, and many did, which is why there are so many black Native Americans. But those who claimed to “own” these captured folk, worked to turn them into possessions. They had significant monetary value and were needed to create fortunes for their owners.

The owners separated those who spoke a common language. They made it illegal to read and write. They didn’t want the people sharing knowledge. Thinkers could plot and plan. They had a sense of weaponry. They lacked allegiance to the owner for letting them survive.

The owners forbade practicing their African religion.  Only some kind of bastardized Christianity was allowed. The most important part of the Christian lesson was to revere and serve their master and to expect something good in heaven. A state of helpless fear was instigated. Marriages were considered temporary. A couple could be sold separately. Children born to partners, as well as those resulting from master’s profligacy and rape, frequently were sold. Your child was not yours, but property of your “master.” Slaves needed a pass to travel. Those who ran away were captured and frequently killed by the slave patrol which even came up north to hunt and were not against grabbing Free Men calling them slaves and taking them south to sell into slavery.

So why would the Trump gang want to get rid of Elmo and all the arts? Because these are an expression of a free and creative person. Elmo and other puppet figures give a child ideas, the propensity for free thought, and valuable life lessons, like working together to achieve common goals. It is the same reason Trump does not support the public schools as exemplified by DeVos who stated she would not be sorry if public schools were eliminated. The Trump regime doesn’t want common man thinking. Thinking man reacts to the fact he is being robbed of appropriate payment, put into prison for petty crimes, dragged to fight wars against people he does not know and afterwards dropped from public concern.

Those who watch cultural programs get the idea that government owes them something for their taxes. Same with expecting Medicaid coverage if you are poor and Social Security after paying into it for a worker’s life time. Social Security is now called “Entitlements.” Whose idea is that? Your bank savings is not called an entitlement as if the bank is doing you a favor by giving your own money back to you with a little interest.

The Trump regime doesn’t want to give the parents a break and the child a treat. Elders are to work until they burst. Children are to be disorderly, uneducated and worthless. Cutting Meals on Wheels tells the elderly, the disabled, the vets to croak. This endless demolition of education, the arts, of meals, of social services is intended. The population is seen as wanting too much from the “Citizen United” folk. The rich who never have enough believe that the “needy poor” are free to die. It’s a “get lost” policy which has taken over.  Money taken from the poor and one-time middle class goes to the military. It is a 1984 life.

Programs that lift up and educate the poor are a threat to the one-percent’s control, their ownership of the world. And while our trials and tribulations cannot compare to the atrocities of the slave trade, their methods and goal are the same: Keep people uneducated to keep them as slaves, thus minimizing costs to horde more wealth and power.

Get my boo Unloved Again today! Email me directly at elangolomb@gmail.com in order to get your signed copy. Hardcover ($25 including shipping) and Paperback ($16 including shipping) versions available. Payment collected via Squareup.com/store/elangolomb

Your Dream Knocks On the Door

The dream says, “Hey there. It’s you I’m talking to.” The dream comes from your less put into a box mind. That alert part of the self is sending you a message. Some call dreams mental garbage. They want to keep a lid on consciousness which is a sign of fear. They have a Pandora’s box approach to knowing who they are.

Dreams offer valuable information. You learned to fear such internal knowing by parents who feared their own. They were silenced before you by unresolved conflicts with their own parent. Rules are rules until you examine and decide whether to follow or disregard them. It becomes a matter of your choosing.

Your unrestricted mind creates a dream which opens your eyes. It tells you what to examine.  Defenses are created in childhood to give us a sense of safety. Whether they should continue operating outside our awareness in adult life is something else. Childhood defenses stick out their mental foot which trips us into childhood. A dream calls attention to what we need to know in order to grow up.

Take the following dream:

I was in a  small, cheap hotel in the hinterlands of India. Went for a walk with some of the locals I had recently met. Chattering and listening to them was a lot of fun. I didn’t pay close attention to how we got to where we were ended up. My memory was of making a right turn outside the hotel, going straight ahead for a while then making a left and walking some more. It seemed to be a simple plan.

So I go for that walk alone the next day. After walking a certain distance straight ahead I turn left and walk some more. Thinking to go back, nothing looks familiar. Did I make yesterday’s right and left? I am confused and scared. I see all kinds of tantalizing sights, beautiful people, a long-haired woman selling pineapple at a stand, a man sitting cross-legged in front of his door, meditating or just looking at the world. I see small churches, religious people coming and going, a very large pond. The people are friendly. One invites me into her house where I meet family members. So much belonging, but I am not one of them.

I ask them for directions but what kind of direction can they give since I cannot remember the name of my hotel. So I walk on. See hump-necked cattle grazing. After a while, I ask another person about where to go and am told to take a dirt path downhill into the jungle. I decide not to go that way. It is too wild and devoid of people. I  keep walking. The people, their temples, their spirit of acceptance is appealing. I cannot stay and cannot leave since I do not know how to go back to my hotel. Stranded.

A dream tends to speak in metaphorical images. Wandering in a wild world seemingly unprepared is a childhood approach to parental hatred. It is the defense of  “unknowing.” How strange one uses ineptness to survive. It elicits parental blows for an impersonal failure rather than doing my best and being attacked for that. Deliberate inadequacy is something to hide behind. I remember that my parents were jealous of any sign of my intellect. My father had to be the best, period. My mother had to psychologically knock me down in order to own me so that I could not leave her. I could only be good at something they both did not understand so I painted as a path they could not follow.

But my writing they could and did evaluate. It was a constant put down. I began to conceal my work with traces of disorder. Being sloppy fit in with their criticism.  My typing was terrible. My paper had fingerprints and other smudges. I did not know that sloppiness was my choice. I lost my work on the subway. “How can you be so stupid” was their refrain. I was lost and stranded by my defense.

This defense came with me to college. Teachers who gotten past their own inner punishing parent said my work was very good. One who really encouraged me said that my work which was wonderfully unique seemed to have been fished out of a toilet bowl. He had not been taken by my disorder and suggested I keep writing.

So here I am an adult desiring to use creativity, probably writing to help our increasingly upset world. My dream of being lost in a foreign jungle due to forgetting where I came from reminds me of my own parent-compressed mind and tells me to that I can choose to be unprepared or not.

When you awaken, do not leap out of bed since movement eliminates memory. Note what you dreamed and see your associations. These will tell you what you need to know. They will help you plan where you want to go and how to get there.