Raised to Fail

 

Raised by parents who condemned you, their expectations became your belief. Now you cause it to happen. Belief pushes you over the cliff. Your parents had no respect for you. Now grown, you are happy when people act respectful. But let someone act as if you are unworthy and you throw yourself into a well of hopeless depression. You are a sponge for misery. You live to make your parents right. For you it is the cost of love.

You find friends who play a complimentary role to your self-hatred. Partners and friends steal from you and verbally put you down. A friend who is able to pick and choose her beliefs, tells you to ask a very egotistical man for advice. She is able to take what is good and discard the rest. You are not. You swallow the fact and poison whole. That man is an egotist. He tells you that now you got off the bus, you are doomed to fail and live in ever increasing misery. You believe it!

You love a man who robs you. You expect ill health, eat junk food, a lot of sugar and coffee and become sick. You dwell on all your experiences of failure and ignore all of success. You fall into the ditch your parents dug for you.

What must you do to change? Find friends who like and support you. Drop those who do the opposite. Simply say “busy” and leave with a smile and a wave. Do not try to win those who are out to get you. Do not apologize for leaving. Life offers you as many chances as you need. Feel compassion for yourself and others; Laugh after making the same mistake. Offer to help to people who need it. Not so worthless after all. Do wild things. Take off the constraining harness and do it your way. Feeling free is wonderful fun.

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Should We Forgive Mistreatment

 

Many people say you should never forgive those who have hurt you. That is not entirely an unwise statement but needs serious reshaping. First and most important, you need to understand yourself.   Forgiveness does not mean you erase memory. It also doesn’t mean that memory chases you forever like an enraged beast. We are afraid of forgiving anyone because we do not understand the consequences.  Forgiving doesn’t mean that you give in to the kind of person who wounds you over and over again in the same kind of way. It doesn’t mean becoming more vulnerable to attack. Forgiveness does not let you be a victim.

You need to uncover why you surrenders to mistreatment. Even that you seek it out. This compulsion comes from mistreatment during your early years. For example, I had a lying, bloviating father who spoke with fervor and would attack me if I questioned him in any way. Fast forward to adult mistreatment. I tend to give in to people who present themselves as experts and are hurt if I do not agree with them. The more I give into that person the harder it is to stop. I feel inexplicable fear. It is like sliding into emotional, physical and financial hell. It is the hell of my childhood.

Know your wounded inner child. See how the people you allow to wound you resemble the original wounding one. When such a person gets into the I am going to hurt you mood for doing or being this or that, take courage. Force yourself to act courageous. Call attention to what they are doing and if they cannot stop or even do not understand what you say, it is time to leave. Probably for good.

It is like a dog that bites the extended hand. Of you know the dog is a biter, do not extent your hand.  Do not reach for the dog in hope the dog has changed. If the assaulting adult seems to like or even love you after you surrender to the kind of wishes which do you some kind of harm, even to your spirit, what kind of love is that? Expecting a close relationship with an assaultive person has nothing to do with forgiveness. It is accepting misery as your lot in life.

You learn how far to go with a person who intends to hurt because they have done it before. Your spirit, your everything will be damaged by surrender. Your boundaries in terms of what you will allow need to be based on experience. Do not apologize for setting limits. Restraint is your right and privilege.  Forgive the biter for attempting to bite because they are a biter but do not forget that they bite. A proper distance creates forgiveness. If the attacker will not accept your restraint and attacks you for it, feel free to take your leave. Forgiveness is not slavery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Raised to Lose Seeking the Tortured Love of Childhood

She was raised by a father who never was satisfied with anything she did or was. He claimed to be aiming for her to succeed by pointing his verbal arrows at her, but the real intention was for her to fail.

She grew up and her love affairs were many, surprising to a woman raised to feel ugly and stupid. Few were truly love. Most were reflections of her childhood relationship with her father, but the last one topped the cake. It threatened to ruin her forever.  

It seems impossible to ourselves that we are driven to go through the same tortured experience of an unloving childhood? Why would we do such a thing? The first step in change is realizing we are doing it, but how do we know such a thing?

Once grown, she played hateful parent or hated child to her lovers. She met a man through Facebook who claimed instant love. He loved her photograph. Said her open smiling face became the center of his life. It gave him hope. She was also moved by his photo, reclining on a bench arms open as if to embrace.  

They spoke for an hour or more every day, had great fun talking. But more than anything, he wanted to hear about her. He kept himself hidden. Said he only had one friend, his dog, with pictures the adorable hound in embrace. Later, he said that she was his only friend, which touched her heart, and kept her from noticing that his hand was in her pocket. He said he loved her, even sent her a video of him singing “I love you,” with the dog’s lease outstretched, presumably his only other friend lazing just out of frame. Her heart expanded warm and full towards him.

They spoke of marriage. He said he was an architect whose plan was in a contest not yet declared. After he won it, he said he would marry her after the construction was completed. She asked to see him before he departed. He welcomed her. Spoke of shopping for food together, and how great of cook he was, but argued a bit on sharing a bathroom, as he wanted while she wanted her own. She felt they were so very close. She already had her ticket and was going to fly the next day when he claimed he was required to go to Cyprus so-as not to lose the job. Most likely he did not live at the stated address.  His location remains unknown.

His falsehoods continued to pull her in. He said that he was the kind of architect who paid for materials and labor in advance so that the corporation could not undercut materials causing the structure to be unsound and risking that it would fall apart. He said that he had invested his lifetime of savings, over one million dollars, in materials but needed help to pay for labor. Early on, he had once inquired about her savings, which she never would have entertained a response, and would have fled, if not blinded by love. He knew she had some money for emergencies.

When you fall into a lying world, you try harder and harder to believe. It is too frightening to think otherwise. The love hook was in and clouded her mind.

He asked her for $200,000.00. He said he would give her ownership of the gold left to him by his father and given to his deceased wife. Sent a photo of him, sitting in front of a table covered by a large number of gold bars. He said they were worth about $900,000.00. That is more than her initial loan sent to him.  Sent her a form to sign from Credit Suisse which changed ownership to her from his deceased wife. Later, a friend told her it was not a genuine Credit Suisse form, but a forgery sent in .jpg format instead of .pdf.

She went to her bank which refused to send the money, calling it a scam. They even knew of the gold bars as a persuasion tactic. He did not think it up.  But he insisted they were just against him without reason. She moved her funds to another bank. They also refused to send money to Cyprus for the same reason: fraud. Her guy, who now called her “wife,” gave her the address of people in US states to wire the money, keeping it below a noticeable amount. How did he know such things and how would the money get to him in Cyprus? She closed the evaluative section of her mind.  

The scam scenario hit its final note when he announced he had been robbed in a taxi on the way to pick up his equipment. His cab was stopped, the driver shot in the back, he beaten to the point of hospitalization. He sent photos of him in a hospital bed. Now a new emergency. The thieves took his briefcase and passport. Again, all money gone.   

He asked her to sell her country log home to pay custom’s fees on the machinery.  Customs again, like the one on the Canadian border holding onto the box of gold. Her country home was the last thing she had left, the last safeguard against complete poverty.

She wept—the only thing she could ever count on possessing with parents who were liars and disloyal were tears. He asked whether she loved her house more than she loved him. Repeated how he would immediately pay everything back after the equipment was delivered. The new house will be beautiful . . . on and on. She became extremely depressed. The bottom was falling out of her world in return for a (false) promise.

How could he ask her this? No. Can’t sell. Will sell … Won’t. She had to say no.

He said he couldn’t live with her lying. She was the liar, not he. He said he would lose the job, the thing he has worked for all his life. He was exhausted by her indecision. Let her house be her lover now. She was the selfish one, because it was about his desires and not hers. Not theirs.

He was gone with her money. Is he an architect? Is there a Cyprus job? Did he mean his vow to marry? Her parents were great liars. This man puts their skill to shame.

Why did she fall for this predator? Why did she not read the signs that she had recognized? She felt a combination of pain and love, but the pain growing ever deeper.

She did not listen to her inner voice, yelling at her to stop giving, or weeping in pain when she did not. She was reliving the torture of childhood with unloving parents. Giving everything away was like being home again.

How many of you are like this woman? Come to an ongoing workshop on You Choose to Lose. (212) 496-6003.

Terror and Surrender

Our Congress is like a bunch of hungry doggies on a leash held by corporations. They follow the corporation’s pull, they obey their orders: sit, stay, attack, pass this legislation, often written for them explicitly. In return they get a lot of milk bones made of dollars which feeds their campaigns and assures they retain their “power.”  The corporations, recently labelled “people” and granted rights real people lack, are actually puppets held on a string by international trillionaires,  a bunch of gangsters out to rob the world. These are people without a country for whom everything is a product to possess.

You might wonder how some humans became so detached from the value of living  things, how they became so greedy, selfish, angry. Perhaps it is a genetic aberration not detected in the cradle, something, if recognized, could be quarantined or otherwise addressed. Perhaps it is something spread by our tendency to copy. Small children copy what their parents do in order to fit in. This copying the so-called grownups who are not evolved creates the possibility of an enormous demise of most everything.

You should question why 60 percent of our US GDP goes to war. We are an empire fighting so-called enemies to get their oil and minerals and trees and slave labor …. We fight to fill the need of the trillionaries whose desire for power is insatiable. Trump’s latest investment in military tools is 80 billion. This amount would pay for all our school expenses, for health care, to repair bridges, roads and tunnels, to take care of almost every common need for the mass of our citizenry, not just the rich and powerful.

Rome fell when it was sucked into an empire driven life. The US is on its way to same.

Are we forever going to fall for another person’s lies when they ”run” for office, vote for someone we did not choose to run who, like Trump, promised to hold onto Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security and to rid the swamp? Is it fear that makes us believe in lies ? Is it fear that turns us into children, holding onto our pretend-parent’s hand? Is it fear that keeps us from knowing the truth?

Don’t Read This

We are a people who turn away. Or we read about some ongoing catastrophe and assign it to the past. We have a one-day mental set. We read about Trump’s banning use of the words “Climate Warming” from any political discussion. Does this stop the temperature from soaring into unlivable levels, people burning to death in Africa, India, and elsewhere? No. Do we read about these catastrophes in “all the news that’s fit to print”?
Take the Fukushima radiation leak. This is last year’s news. Newspapers have a finger across their lips. Don’t upset the reader. What? Do you think that the bleeding Fukushima radiation has ended? What happens to the cooling water endlessly sprayed on the nuclear contents? Do you know that every moment of every day, radiation contaminated water is pouring into the Pacific Ocean? Do you know that all the animals that live there are dying? Do you know that Pacific fish are radioactive and should not be eaten? Do you know that the Pacific is a “dead ocean?”
Why do we avoid knowing such things (if we do not own stock in polluting companies?) And if we do, does money blind out eyes? The axe of death is coming for our wealthy necks as well.
How do we learn to deal with fear? A little child wants to feel the parent’s comfort. But the parent does not seal their lips and cover the child’s eyes against the facts. They do not take as a guiding principle, hiding from the facts and overall unknowing. Parents who need to blind their child think a good parent “makes it all go away.” They do not prepare their child to grow up and handle the truth.
The more a parent magnifies to him/herself the destructive capacity of “knowing the facts” the less likely their child will grow up in the sense of becoming an adult. Our society praised and represents child-weakening parents. Doctors give pain-killing medicine but do not look at what their patients do to make themselves sick. They are into symptom removal not into getting well.
Politicians play on the immature nature of their voter population. They feature being afraid of terrorists, that current boogie man. They say this largely because they get kickbacks from weapon-making corporations whose guns they buy. The fearful adult/child allows his tax money to go for war. Having learned to hide his eyes, he does not know he is being taken for a monetary ride.
We all need to resist our need not to know. Knowing is good. Knowing leads to solutions. How do we make ourselves sick? Reverse anti-health behavior and get well. How do stop creating terrorists who will attack us? Give them food and health care and educational support. Buy their art. Give them what they need to make them friends.
We can step out of blinding fear and bias to have a much more meaningful life. We can take care to stop doing reckless things based on the false belief that some future invention will save us. Also, we can have a lot of fun.

Why Poor People Vote Against their Interests

Why do poor people, the enormous “underclass” vote for a billionaire who never will support them? We let the excessively rich fool us. Is it the Walter Mitty fantasy of moving from rags to riches? Them days are gone forever. Those who have the most will keep it, largely by underpaying, imprisoning, enslaving workers. They get rich by robbing those who lack weapons or group power. It is no accident that union membership is falling off. The misled or fearful do not join.

How can poor people vote for a candidate who boasts about his wealth and promises well-paid jobs but whose history totally denies this? This person was not chosen to run by you and once elected, will do nothing for you. His or her or their corporate bosses or personal greed determines their post-election behavior. But they need your vote to win. This entails a necessity of deceit. The lying begins.

The voters fall for phony promises. You become a young child whose parent promises fairy tale wonders. Many have trouble giving up this belief even after they see themselves betrayed. They remain trapped in the childhood wish and blame themselves or others for its failure to manifest.

 

Your Dream Knocks On the Door

The dream says, “Hey there. It’s you I’m talking to.” The dream comes from your less put into a box mind. That alert part of the self is sending you a message. Some call dreams mental garbage. They want to keep a lid on consciousness which is a sign of fear. They have a Pandora’s box approach to knowing who they are.

Dreams offer valuable information. You learned to fear such internal knowing by parents who feared their own. They were silenced before you by unresolved conflicts with their own parent. Rules are rules until you examine and decide whether to follow or disregard them. It becomes a matter of your choosing.

Your unrestricted mind creates a dream which opens your eyes. It tells you what to examine.  Defenses are created in childhood to give us a sense of safety. Whether they should continue operating outside our awareness in adult life is something else. Childhood defenses stick out their mental foot which trips us into childhood. A dream calls attention to what we need to know in order to grow up.

Take the following dream:

I was in a  small, cheap hotel in the hinterlands of India. Went for a walk with some of the locals I had recently met. Chattering and listening to them was a lot of fun. I didn’t pay close attention to how we got to where we were ended up. My memory was of making a right turn outside the hotel, going straight ahead for a while then making a left and walking some more. It seemed to be a simple plan.

So I go for that walk alone the next day. After walking a certain distance straight ahead I turn left and walk some more. Thinking to go back, nothing looks familiar. Did I make yesterday’s right and left? I am confused and scared. I see all kinds of tantalizing sights, beautiful people, a long-haired woman selling pineapple at a stand, a man sitting cross-legged in front of his door, meditating or just looking at the world. I see small churches, religious people coming and going, a very large pond. The people are friendly. One invites me into her house where I meet family members. So much belonging, but I am not one of them.

I ask them for directions but what kind of direction can they give since I cannot remember the name of my hotel. So I walk on. See hump-necked cattle grazing. After a while, I ask another person about where to go and am told to take a dirt path downhill into the jungle. I decide not to go that way. It is too wild and devoid of people. I  keep walking. The people, their temples, their spirit of acceptance is appealing. I cannot stay and cannot leave since I do not know how to go back to my hotel. Stranded.

A dream tends to speak in metaphorical images. Wandering in a wild world seemingly unprepared is a childhood approach to parental hatred. It is the defense of  “unknowing.” How strange one uses ineptness to survive. It elicits parental blows for an impersonal failure rather than doing my best and being attacked for that. Deliberate inadequacy is something to hide behind. I remember that my parents were jealous of any sign of my intellect. My father had to be the best, period. My mother had to psychologically knock me down in order to own me so that I could not leave her. I could only be good at something they both did not understand so I painted as a path they could not follow.

But my writing they could and did evaluate. It was a constant put down. I began to conceal my work with traces of disorder. Being sloppy fit in with their criticism.  My typing was terrible. My paper had fingerprints and other smudges. I did not know that sloppiness was my choice. I lost my work on the subway. “How can you be so stupid” was their refrain. I was lost and stranded by my defense.

This defense came with me to college. Teachers who gotten past their own inner punishing parent said my work was very good. One who really encouraged me said that my work which was wonderfully unique seemed to have been fished out of a toilet bowl. He had not been taken by my disorder and suggested I keep writing.

So here I am an adult desiring to use creativity, probably writing to help our increasingly upset world. My dream of being lost in a foreign jungle due to forgetting where I came from reminds me of my own parent-compressed mind and tells me to that I can choose to be unprepared or not.

When you awaken, do not leap out of bed since movement eliminates memory. Note what you dreamed and see your associations. These will tell you what you need to know. They will help you plan where you want to go and how to get there.