Loving is very difficult and very wonderful the more you let it happen. People use the word love a lot including those who write adds to sell you something. But the actual fact of love is something entirely different.
We often say we are in love when we enter a fantasy directed sky float. Real love is something we move into, not a surreal fantasy of attaining the ideal. Fantasy love has-to fade in time but real love grows. But why do we so much fear this highest experience and which part of us is it that fears it? We need to know that part, where it comes from and why we still listen to its fears and negative advice. There are no shun pikes to get around fear. You have-to move through your memory and experience of the past to get beyond it.
One key element of remaining afraid is that being in love means you will be seen. This has to-do with resurrecting the belief we are unworthy, the consequences of an unloved childhood. We have-to be seen. This does not mean dumping your wounded past all at once onto the emotional lap of your would-be lover. But experiences, difficulties, memories will arise. A lover wants to know them. When early unloved experiences appear as if relevant to the present, the past needs to be decoded and discussed. Your lover’s listening without condemnation brings you to the present. Then, at last you can leave the past behind. Growth almost always requires living through the original pain.
In equal fashion, we have-to see the one we love. Being seen and loved means that love is real. Being a fantasy enactment for your lover means it isn’t. Pretending to be a specific “ideal” type can last a life time. Feeling loved requires not hiding behind a screen. Violence against your lover is also a kind of screen. We are rejected for being monsters which is an easier blow to our shaky self-esteem than being rejected for being our loving and vulnerable selves, the selves our parents threw away.
Take a chance at being that unguarded person. Speak your personal truth. There will be people who cannot follow you there. Your openness and their negative response reveals the need to move on. Develop courage and politely leave. Do not stay with the latest model of your unloving parent. Seek someone who can fully be there with you. You won’t regret it.
Please read my book Unloved Again.