Don’t Ask For a Love that Isn’t Freely Offered or Seeking Imaginary Love Means Missing a Better Kind of Love


You love someone and that person clearly cares for you. But not “in love,” not holding on, embracing, endlessly needing more. That part of you, the child part wants to ask for reassurance; wants to hear that the person loves you but didn’t show it so as not to impose on you. Your scheming mind has turned the whole thing around. Be on the lookout for rationalizations which keep a myth alive. The myth is that the person whose love you seek is not showing you that he cares that way.

How many of us stay in relationships that are not loving because we want to believe that love lurks in the shadows. On the other hand, true friendship is definitely a kind of love, a wonderful kind that should not be overlooked.

You are careening at the edge of a crevasse. The child within so long denied love by a parent or parents you courted and dreamed about, by a parent for whose lack of love you took the blame and they agreed with you about it. That child would push you into a horribly unstable, sacrificial state of mind: pleading, sighing, giving away what you should not give. So, what holds you back from taking the plunge?  It is your adult conscious state that lives in the now and remembers your past.

The adult knows that you have done this before and before that. It remembers that it never worked out. It cannot. Love is freely given. Love is not an act of pity. It is not a form of bribery. It is not given in return for receiving something else like money, a meal in a fancy restaurant, a trip to somewhere. It is not love when words of love are said to shut you up.

I should add that people raised in an unloving home, do not know what love is and often fall for what they’ve seen on the Hollywood screen or worse than that, in some inexplicable way, the parent’s abuse was labeled loving. Love was rarely offered or not at all. A punishment was frequent. Unable to live with the terrifying idea that you are not loved, a child put the label of love on it. Then you, the adult, continue to seek love in abuse.

You will not get the love you desire by asking for it. You will only get loss since the person you love feels compelled to withdraw so as not to get your hopes up and to avoid the guilt of disappointing you. Your misery is multiplied by translating these reactions into your childhood view: “you’re not worth it”

No one can rewrite another’s history, propensity, and needs. Whatever propels the other to love or not love is not in your hands. The only thing to do is to love that person as they are. Do nothing excessive, sacrificial or blaming. Live in the moment and enjoy every moment of it. Help that person as a beloved friend and enjoy being a friendly helper. The friendship is likely to long continue and what is better than that?

Get my book Unloved Again today! Email me directly at in order to get your signed copy. Hardcover ($25 including shipping) and Paperback ($16



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