You don’t know. You can’t know. Others may spot it but you don’t The internal bricks from an unloved childhood are lined up against the door of knowing. Other people who are not like you can easily see your repetition but you deny it. You call it “chance event,” an insignificant coincidence. Say that it is not a close a resemblance. Says you, as they remark in my native Brooklyn. The part of you that resonates with inexplicable fear, instead of finding out from whence it comes, makes you deny it harder.
Your friends say that they are trying to help you and probably they are but you do not think so. You react instead as if they are trying to hurt you. The issue as discussed in my book Unloved Again is that three of you reside inside your mind. One of you is the sensible adult, a not sufficiently developed sense of self that does not want to be with the unloving people you find yourself with. I use the word find because you have no idea of how this has happened. You think, “I certainly wouldn’t choose this.” You see yourself as passive.
Those behind the bricked-up mental door are the internalized parent and child of childhood. They work to direct your adult mind away from them while sending messages which shape what you think and feel. You are easily seduced. You treat what enters your mind from behind the bricked door as coming from your true self. Your adult mind has fallen into the past and does not know it. The internalized “freezing parent” and “frozen child” tell you how to think.
It is the “freezing parent” which demands fealty and submission. It is the “frozen child” which submits. These run who you love and how. The reason you do not see this is because the “freezing parent” needs you not to know. You are not to know that the “freezing parent” wants to turn you into a “frozen child.”
In order to end the repetition compulsion, your adult mind has to separate from r past identities, to see a difference between then and now. The adult has to stop paying attention to ancient feelings of loss and dread. It is the adult’s right to let the past be past.Sometimes ignoring the past involves an internal (or even verbal) statement of “shut up” and “get lost.” Sometimes it involves laughing as if told a good joke.
The adult has to pay attention to his choice of unloving partners until he stops attributing them to chance. The adult accepts that “It is I who choose” and “It is I who end it” if it turns out to be another repetition. The aduIt knows he has little experience with loving people but vows to search until he/she finds someone whose feelings warm me up. With that person, I will make a home.
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