Seeking RecognitionFrom Those Who Can’t Give it

I spoke to my visiting friends about my experience of enlightenment in my yoga class. My friend’s wife immediately launched into a babble of other people she has known who were presumably enlightened. She is the middle child of a huge number of children born to parents who did not practice birth control. She presumably learned to fight for her right to count by going or top dog, an error in judgment by identifying with the person who is most hurtful above you. She acts as if she is helping or teaching you by putting you down, ignoring, contradicting, distracting you. Possibly she thought that you were competing with her for top dog. One tends to project defenses of which we are not proud and see them in the other. She was protecting herself by my bullets of pride by declaring herself all-knowing.

She launched into the babble of “people I have known” and “did you know”, for example Satchinananda,  she did anything but share my sublime experience with an “oh.” But why did I not stop speaking to her about myself, no apology needed?  I had fallen into my submissive inner child ever attempting to win the hating parent’s love.

The inner child went on to tell her of my seeing a Saint in India, sleeping on a straw mat  surrounded by devotees.  I saw his aura and became one was one of them. By telling her, I threw away the most important experience of my life. Giving, throwing, demolishing it. I was offering to her as if my rejecting parent, offering my soul which was dutifully trampled.

Does she not know about how she mistreats her listeners with her speech? I would assume that many have yelped with frustration and annoyance, even told her to stop. But she has no more control over her need to do this than I did of my submissive child. Her tyrannical parent runs her interactions and my submissive child ran mine.

The way out of this chronic and hurtful behavior is for the adult to recognizes its feeling of discomfort and to stop whatever it is doing now.  it is time to examine the self. Not having done this, I then and later felt diminished and robbed, as if my experience lacked value.

I the adult have lost nothing. It was my internal child that always loses. I need to recover from my return to the past and to learn more about my surrendering child. That my friend plays the role of my rejecting parent is her problem. My problem is one of submission. I need to be aware that the feeling of worthlessness overwhelms my mind, I need to stop what I am  doing and look within. Am I surrendering what is important to me? My adult knows it full well and the cause.

Part of me wants my friend to read this blog. It is the child within who hopes to reach the parent. Does my friend know that she has been taken over by her inner parent? She thinks that her success comes from following its advice. This false equation is what keeps most of us doing what we shouldn’t, that and our fear of the internal parent’s attack.  Past need to be learned from but not to dominate the present.

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