First You Crumble

I just did a little bit of a mourning dance feeling emotionally black. Got kicked out of a newspaper for mentioning my book at the bottom of my blog as self-serving. Had not looked at their rules before I did this and so uninformed. I felt the sadness of loss. Felt angry at myself for stupidly following another’s advice with insufficient understanding. Whose fault? Mine alone.

After losing something you value and to which you attach some aspect of your welfare, feelings of loss will happen. Anything we care about leaves a hole in the self when it is taken away. That hole is experienced as depression.  Feeling angry at the self for being stupid is something else. Self-attack is not a necessary accompaniment of learning although some think it so. They say “no pain no gain.” The philosophy of suffering becomes an excuse for mistreating  yourself, your lover, your child, …employee, anyone you want to  “learn” something, Sadistic behavior usually is usually learned by undergoing your parent’s mistreatment. The way out of self-hatred is to take a position which says no to the impulse to harm self or other. It is a stance which says, “I’m not going that way.” You need to put a period on your history of mistreatment. Look at your childhood experience  in order to consign it to  the past.

What happens after a person you love dies? This is a mighty hole to go through. You have to feel sad. In the experience of mourning, you become unmotivated, are in an arrested state. You read books of fantasy that take your mind to a nowhere place, you read books whose themes occupy your mind. You socialize with people who care. They bring food which you eat together while sharing memories of the deceased one which make you laugh and cry. You go back and forth, empty then full then empty again until you no longer are preoccupied with your loss.

You are in a crumble. That which once held you together is no longer available or  possible or no longer works. It is necessary to go through the maze of loss until suddenly you find yourself outside. You remember the loss but there is distance now between you and it. Some still weep at the time of the loved one’s birthday, smile when remembering their wedding day, and other times of joy. It is a mighty emotional house cleaning remembering the good and weeping about your loss.

It is a bad idea to think you must mourn forever, that you should never have another lover or mate or spouse to prove that you love the deceased. To think that the loved person would not let you love again does not represent their love for you. They loved you and wanted you to be happy then and now. Your love for them does not end because you now love another.

Hooray for the crumble. Crumbling is a falling apart of the old way so that a new way of thinking/feeling/being is created by the force of life.  Every time we move onto something new, we have to let go of the old or to stand on its shoulders. We lack a thing/behavior to cling to. We have to find our balance. We have to find parts of the self to develop and to see aspects of the world we had not seen before. Growth is a process of loss and then gain. We have to move into a warrior position in the world of love and understanding.

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