I am a clinical psychologist with a PhD in clinical psychology and a certificate in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis. I spent many years of therapy discussing my difficulty in establishing love relationships. I talked about parental abandonment but none of this made a difference. I was like a person skating as fast as possible on thin ice to avoid falling in.
I have written Unloved Again to show you how to fall into the hell of your unloved childhood in order to be able to leave it. You need to see your childhood despair and the defenses you built not to feel terror and pain. Seeing them as part of childhood helps you stop magnifying current danger. Without this struggle, the endless round of disappointment continues. You are living in the past without knowing it.
What cracked the surface of my denial was a trip to nations in which child care was lovingly embraced by everyone. In Ladakh on the Tibetan plateau, babies are in arms, wide-eyed and calm. I remember walking down a mountain path, looking at a rooftop below where Grandma was laying apricots to dry. Wrapped in a shawl on her back was a baby. I did not hear the baby make a sound when the woman put it to her breast. So comforting. She instinctively knew what the baby needed for comfort. I felt a great pain in my heart. I registered what I missed in my childhood. My pain told me that I needed it still. I fell through a hole in the ice of my denial.
In Ladakh and in the Venezuelan Amazon, where all the babies are carried, the babies never cry. In the US are we are used to babies crying. That is why at first I did not notice its absence. We think that crying is normal. Some parents make up to the weeping child with things–ice cream, toys. They do not know what the baby needs. They know as little as did the parents who unloved them. Babies, who have “everything” money can buy, grow up to seek unloving partners or are themselves unloving.
Knowing something only with your mind is not knowing it. You need to know it with your heart. You need to be in touch with how you felt as a child, to see how your selfhood was prohibited. You cannot choose to feel only love. Emotions flow together. It is everything or nothing. Unloved Again takes you step-by-step through many blinding webs of childhood to get to the place of love.