Thanks to Ram Das for this book.
Get past your rage by doing something which undercuts, reverses, short circuits the thing which has made you angry. Do what is within your means. Anger needn’t be destructive. Anger can move you in the right direction.
Initially, the blizzard was outside my awareness because my internet was not working despite my repairman having said he fixed it. My computer turned itself off then on then off again. I was too aggravated, to see the beauty of snow filled air, so white it was a screen. The wind howled. The were no cars out except for one stuck outside my window, with roaring tires going nowhere, finally helped into the garage by building workers.
A magnificent snowstorm, a blizzard raging outside my windows. Mind going in small circles, stuck on computer failure, not getting that bureaucratic nonsense off my desk and mailed. My mind was so engaged with annoyance that nothing else came to it. That is how failure swallows us. My poor computer skills loomed large. Someone else would have fixed it I told myself. The cynic in my mind which often is my best friend growled a sarcastic “yeah sure.” My next loss of the beauty of the moment was anger directed at myself for not being a computer wiz.
Then a little bit of wisdom arrived, rising like smoke from a camp fire. I could waste my time circling a herd that wasn’t there or I could do something else, even something full of the Zen of emptiness. I read a great Jack Reacher novel. I am a total fan of this anti hero who will use any means to get the right thing done in a world of incompetent me first-ers. He always sleeps with the featured woman who invariably is a faster driver and in many ways more than his equal but it is understood by both that there will be no tomorrow. They are living in the now and enjoying it more for its impermanence
We need the absence of tomorrow in our lives. Fixing attention on tomorrow or for that matter yesterday deprives us of today. It is the back hand of enlightenment with reality conceived of as a slap. We need to live in the now which is really all we have. Fixing on the great or terrible things that did or didn’t happen, that will or won’t happen take us away from what is. Beating oneself with the shoulds are preoccupations which bury out mind in useless clutter. Now is all we ever really have.
People who have poor memories which float around in vacuity are not that way because of missing grey matter, even or especially when they are older. The cognitive loss comes from not being in the present. Every sense needs to be turned on in order to remember. It is like being in love when time stretches to the infinite. You smell, touch, feel experience the present which is filled with love. You are here now. This you cannot forget.
I thank my computer breakdown for reminding me that I am more than a computer operator. To look and really see; to think based on my living experience to write this column from my heart. To be here now.