Develop Your Identity

It is good, vital and necessary for you to relate to all living things/people/plants/animals as one of them, not above below. They have abilities which you lack and vice versa. You relate as a self.  The same when you relate to your partner, your friend or mate. Those who think that you relate by surrendering your differences are losing the basic component of togetherness. The essence of unity is of being one of two. Sharing forced similarity makes union into a zero.

If you were raised to surrender your opinion, your needs and talents to fit in with a tyrannical family, usually ruled by one tyrannical parent,  you do not know who you are and are afraid to find out. You believe in submitting as the tyrant demanded to keep power.

Emerging from this family and having learned to have no self, you may have married or formed a bond with someone who thinks the same. They have to totally run the show and you have to identify with them.  Or you chose the opposite approach which still lacks a self. You choose, someone who believes you must co-identify so that you exist as a couple like Walt Disney shmoos, shapeless blobs which meld together.

For those raised to coalesce this way, you may not be able to develop into a person without staging a warfare of separation. This battle is within as well as between you. One inside part of you represents your developing self and the  inside part of you represents  your tyrannical family whose love you attempt to win by giving in.

Your partner will have to develop an autonomy as well, one which is not based on conquest. If you teach your partner that he/she will feel better after making the transition, there is hope that you will survive as a happy couple. If your partner clings to what they have learned about conquest or surrender as a survival trait, you may have to gracefully but definitively separate to preserve your self.

If you have not yet bonded, the way before you is open. How can you learn who you are? How do you develop autonomy? You venture into the wilderness. You try  things out. You do what attracts you. You stop when bored or dissatisfied or interested in something else. This includes finding a relationship. If it feels good, continue. if it proves unsatisfactory, move on. If you are attracted to someone as friend or potential mate, make sure that they are interested in exploring the new with you.  A loving relationship helps you both to grow. No matter what anyone tells you about the stages of life, we never should stop growing.

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