You Learn the State of Unlove

If warm acceptance did not happen, if you were tucked away in your own room with “stuff” to distract and entertain you like having your own TV; if you were not greeted by Mom and Dad’s loving touch; if your crying was ignored until all crying stopped; if Mom avoided getting dirtied by holding you and Dad did not relate to babies and children at all; then the world is seen as rejecting.

There will be many years of surrendering to emptiness until you come to believe that past must become the present as well as the future and find partners who fit the bill. What kind of love will a grown person, a parent-rejected child, seek? Will that person find lovers who need him to be non-existent, lovers who need to punish, or want him to cling?

The patterns of childhood will continue. Those defenses, which got us through unhappy moments by denying reality or by making one aspect of us so strong that we denied our suffering, shut out full experience. It is a kind of robotic triumph which carries on.

If you’ve known insufficient love as a child, you need to develop a sense of what love is through repeated love experience. Get close to those who seem to adore you (including pets). If the love turns out to be untrue, say goodbye and move on. You are not there to cure the unloving other of their own damaging childhood. You are to leave that person and avoid choosing a sacrificial state.

Learning about love is not a search for love’s more-ness without end. That is an act of childish blindness, an addiction to not getting what you need. It causes you to constantly leap into emotional emptiness after having the love your internal parent rejects.  After you understand love through direct experience with a person who clearly loves you, your mind and heart will settle down. You will not replace the wonder of the love you have for some imaginary lover in the sky or for the pleasure of a rejecting inner parent. Your heart is at home.

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